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Fake Tough Guys
Often a topic of his wandering mind… “I was at the DMV today where I shockingly was not involved in a screaming match with a fat black woman, but I did come across something that irked me. Why is it...
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Belated Fourth Greetings
I got drunk, sorry… “Today is the day we celebrate the white man’s independence from the Maize King and his tyrannical rule over the Pilgrims. Do it in style by lighting things on fire, drinking too...
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Understanding Women
In two easy steps… “If you want to understand what it’s like to be a woman, all you have to do is: 1. Smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 5 straight years. 2. Quit cold turkey and watch yourself go...
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No Excuses
and no surrender! Okay I made that part up but you get the idea… “If you’re a white man in America, you have no excuse for not doing awesome. Take a look around for a second and tell me women aren’t...
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On Studying Abroad
Which I am currently ineligible to do, but working on that… “Unless you sign up late and everything else is taken, I’d recommend going somewhere they don’t speak English. Studying abroad in a European...
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On Jewish Girls
He forgot! “I can’t believe I haven’t educated you about Jewish girls yet. Good God (PS they can’t write God they have to write like G*d or something gay like that!) Anyway, when I was growing up there...
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More About Getting Old
Something that apparently comes quicker than you’d imagine… “Last night I walked down to the ocean, which is something I like to do to remind myself how scary it might be to toss myself against the...
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“The Easiest Night To Get Laid In History”
Says it all… “Election nights are the easiest nights to get laid in history. So make sure you attend any election party that has women, and just wait it out. Hit up a liberal gathering, and if Obama...
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Never Stop Keeping It Real
Or you will die… “I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and...
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How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?
Or quit or whatever other bullshit… “Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way...
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